I Am Not Jolly

A little over a year ago, at age 46, I began to blog about my life as a fat person. I was angry....very angry. At times I was in a rage. Yes, I said rage. What was it that set me off? Oh, yeah. Now I remember. It was something about should a person stay with their mate if that mate gets fat...yeah...that's what set me off. I kinda flipped out. Fat people get angry folks. I know. I know. We are supposed to be Santa Clause-ish and jolly and ho, ho, ho and all that. Sorry, but it just ain't so.

I think I hate the jolly fat person stereotype more than any other. I hate them all, but there is something about the jolly thing that bugs me beyond measure. It sort of says to me that if I am fat I sure as hell better be self-effacing, accommodating, and easy to be around. I confess....I have feigned nice and jolly in the past. I was wrong to do it and I was untrue to myself when I did. I am sick and tired of people thinking that because I am fat I must be non-threatening and nice. A fat woman better not be assertive or have expectations or make demands. Lord help us if....what?...no...say it ain't so....she has confidence.

Jolly is defined by dictionary.com as:

1. in good spirits; gay; merry.
2. cheerfully festive or convivial.
3. joyous; happy.
4. Chiefly British Informal. delightful; charming.

Hum. Yes, I have at times been in good spirits. There have been moments of gaiety and merriment in my life. I have been cheerfully festive a time or two. Too introverted to be convivial. Can't say that I've ever been outright joyful, but I've had some happy times. Charming and delightful...um...no. Not sure I'd want to be described that way. Ted Bundy was charming wasn't he?

I am fat. I have also been a very sick, eating disordered skinny person. The key word here is person. I am a human being with a rich inner life capable of experiencing a full range of emotions. Fat people don't all look alike, think alike, have the same tastes, the same emotional makeup, or the same political or religious beliefs. We are as varied and unique as the rest of the HUMAN population. We are certainly no more jolly than the rest of mankind.

I personally am a melancholy person with a very sensitive nervous system. I tend to be serious and spend a lot of time thinking about life and death and the meaning of everything. I appreciate the arts and love animals and nature. My spiritual life is very important to me. Sometimes I fast and pray. I read a lot...mostly non-fiction. I love color and fashion and vintage clothing and patterns. I am very curious and like to learn new things. Emily Dickinson is my favorite poet.

I have struggled with mental illness most of my life. I suppose it is in the genes. My father committed suicide when I was twenty. My mom suffered major depression and had "shock" treatments WAY before therapy and Prozac were cool. When I was very small she used to hold me tight, rock me and cry and tell me we'd both be better off dead. When she'd finally let me down, my hair would be wet from her tears.

I collected rocks as a child and had a rock polisher. I could draw better than any girl in my class. Making mud pies and clover necklaces were some of my favorite summer activities. I liked storms and rain but was afraid of the wind. We never had indoor pets. I got my first indoor pets...sister kittens...when I was 29. I loved the smell of a new coloring book and the excitement of a box of sharp new crayons. Some of my favorite books as a girl were The Bobbsey Twins, The Secret Garden, and the Little House series.

There is a lot more to me than my pant size, my age or how "pretty" my face might or might not be. I am a PERSON with my very own temperament, my very own likes and dislikes...my very own perception of the world...my very own story and history. I am a PERSON. Like it or not, I am a part of the human race. I live and breathe and have every right that any other human has. Being fat doesn't negate my personhood. It doesn't make me any less a citizen of this United States. It doesn't undo my right to the pursuit of happiness. It certainly doesn't guarantee a jolly disposition.

No, I am not jolly. I am me...a whole, complete, unique human being.




PS:I have decided that I am no longer going to worry about grammar, punctuation, or spelling. My worries about getting it all wrong have kept me from writing. I want and love to write and express myself. It helps me tremendously. At my age it is also very good for my brain. As much as I love it, writing is not easy for me. All the hard thinking I have to do to get it done is surely a deterrent to dementia! If I don't get it right, please overlook me.