Been Gone

I've been gone...not physically, but mentally. I haven't been reading blogs or writing. I just haven't been able to.

I started blogging to express some anger and deep feelings. I did that and it felt good. I found the Fat Acceptance movement and all your bright, funny and informative blogs and that felt good. I began accepting my fat and my whole self more and that felt good. But I don't feel good. I just don't. I'm very depressed. It has been traumatic to remember such horrid times from my past. It has really done a number on me. Until I get strong again, I just can't go back there. I will read when I can, but when I don't, please know my heart is with you.

During this down time, I've been trying to pay closer attention to my body. I find that I tense up when I eat. I don't know why. I remember once breaking out in red patches all over my neck and chest while eating dinner with my husband. Why in the world do I get so nervous during the act of eating? I've been trying to catch the tension and relax during meals. Surely the tension sends cortisol into my bloodstream and makes my body hang on to every calorie? I don't know if it works that way.

Maybe I get nervous during eating because my OCD mom hurried the cuddle time of bottle feedings...in order to get back to her cleaning rituals. She was too busy for cuddle time. Or maybe the dinner table at my house was tense. I don't know. I don't remember most of my childhood very well. I certainly can't remember being a baby. I remember mom was a great cook. It was on the table at five sharp. We ate. My sis and I washed dishes.

My shoulders are tense and all the way up to my ears and my jaws clenched as I write this, so I'm going to stop.

One last thing. I had a profound experience the other day. I felt the urge to eat. I wasn't hungry. I went with the feeling of not being hungry and not eating and what would happen if I didn't eat. I stayed there for a minute and...wow...I realized nothing would happen. If I didn't eat, I would not die and the world would not end. And I didn't eat. Maybe this is the beginning of something.