Asperger and The Velveteen Rabbit

I've been thinking about yesterday's post. After reading it again, I realized something. We eat out a lot and I sometimes see folks eating alone. I never think they are weird or suspect of ANYTHING. Why would I think that of myself? I'll admit that I've WONDERED why they were alone and felt sorry for them. I've wondered if they were lonely but that's it.

Sometimes I'm really hard on myself. I think I suffered so much social rejection and ridicule as a young person that I always expect it or something. I'm VERY aware of my social awkwardness and anxiety and just assume that it shows. In my mind, a neon sign follows me around like a little dark cloud flashing messages like "loser" or "weird" or "reject" over my head. In my mind, I see people parting like the Red Sea when I come into a room. Like...back away from the weird girl.

That is a bad way to feel and I've felt that way since I was ten years old. Having asperger makes you feel weird. It's like you think something is up with folks but you don't know what it is...until somebody outright calls you a name or you get picked last for a game of kickball. Then you KNOW something is up but you still don't know what it is you did to make them dislike you.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not a part of the human race...like I'm some mutation. I look at myself and see that yes, I have hair and eyes and stand upright and think at a high level and can form words. Yep. I'm a human alright. My picture matches up with the dictionary picture of a human....but I'm not one. How can I be? Just looking like a human and having speech capabilities doesn't make me human.

Humans need connection and relationship. Like the velveteen rabbit, we are not real unless we are loved. I have trouble with connection and relationships. I have never felt accepted and loved by the other humans. Would I even be able to recognize it if it came at me? I don't know. If I can't recognize it, then to me I've never been loved into....initiated into the human race. I am a technical human, not a real one.

I not only have trouble on the receiving end of emotions, I have trouble on the giving end. Oh, I have emotions...plenty of them and deep. I just can't get them out right. So many of my emotions are played out in my head like a movie. They are in there and being expressed inside, my body and face just don't follow. I'm kinda watching them. Then the movie is over. It's *THE END* and they can't get out after that. It's like I can't respond in real time. I have a delay.

Hard stuff to explain.

I don't like asperger but I have to live with it. It's new to me. I only found out about it in the last few months. It is generally a guy problem and there is no cure. I've lived with this for 48 years and survived. I'll be fine. Hey, I managed to eat dinner out alone for the first time in my life. I never would have done that before I found out about asperger.