I think too much about stuff. Does anybody else just think things to death?
It used to take me forever to read a fictional story because I had to get inside every single character's head to see how things felt for them. I had to try and figure out what made each and every character tick. I couldn't just go with the flow and let the story take me where it would. No, I had to know where I was going and why.
Is that an Asperger trait? I am self-diagnosed and still learning about AS. Part of me is avoiding learning about AS. The more I learn the more sure I become that I have it. Guess I always hoped that whatever was "wrong" with me could be cured with enough therapy, prayer, or medicine. No cure for AS. That means I'm going to wear my brain out with all this thinking and go insane before I die, right?
I once got to know one of my college professor's outside of class. He was a very cultured man fluent in several languages....the Romance languages. He told me about the books Tristan and Isolde and Love in the Western World. Tristan and Isolde is kinda like Romeo and Juliet but older. Cool story.
What I really loved though was Love in the Western World. After I read it, I never picked up another romantically themed fictional story. I pretty much gave up fiction altogether...which wasn't a problem for me. Like I said, fiction tortured me....romantically themed or not. I was forever trying to figure out what the characters were thinking and feeling. Reading Love in the Western World sorta set me free...free to read non-fiction without guilt.
I like to think, but I like to think about facts. It makes me oh so tired to think about people and their thoughts, actions, motives. Don't get me wrong. I'm very interested in people...but all too often it's in a science project sort of way. I am always looking at them, listening to them, trying to draw conclusions and predict behavior.
That takes me to a couple of people books I like to read....my DSM and my Synopsis of Psychiatry. They were required textbooks in grad school(I was a Social Work major). It is amazing to me that dysfunctional behaviors occur in patterns and groups so much so that the patterns are recognizable and we can diagnose people. However, beyond that, people are a total and absolute mystery to me. I am a people, but sometimes I don't feel like it. Sometimes I'd rather be anything other than a people.
I'd rather be a dog or a tree or a scab on Julia Roberts elbow....anything but a person. I just find being a person very difficult. I think this "being a person" thing to death too. Like, what makes us a person? What makes us different from animals?
Animals sniff each other's butts and go on about their business. Why can't we? They don't judge and dislike one another. They might fight, but over something important...like a chew toy. Mostly they just sniff and go. I just can't figure this people thing out...with any amount of thinking. I can't not be a person either...so I have to figure it out don't I? That's another thing that bugs me.
I am here. I am real. I exist. I will die. Nothing I can do about it. Does that bug anybody else? LOL. See, I can't just go about my life for being so aware of my life, my very existence and my inevitable end. I'm also very aware of others and that we are all going through this same experience but we don't really talk about it.
Has anybody else ever awakened from a sound sleep with this ultra awareness of being a person, being very real, and very alone? It's like all the sudden waking up with a dog's sense of smell or an eagle's vision. For a few moments my self-awareness...my awareness of being alive and real and my impending doom...is so heightened that is takes my breath away and about gives me a panic attack. Thank goodness it doesn't last long before I fall back asleep. My husband says he's had this experience.
Again, maybe this is an Asperger thing...or maybe I'm just crazy. Hum. Something else to think about.
