Baby Steps and a Dream Bike

I wasn't an athletic kid. Oh, I was active just not athletic. I wasn't coordinated enough to play things like basketball or softball. Even easy things like kickball weren't fun to me. THEN in 1975, at age 15, I found jogging. Jogging changed my life. It was something that took NO coordination. Then I found hiking in our beautiful Smoky Mountains. Riding a bike in the mountains came soon after and in college I found rowing. I WAS athletic, just not coordinated.

Rowing took some coordination, but for some reason I was able to do it. I LOVED rowing. After I found rowing, I pretty much quit jogging. A back injury ended my rowing, but I continued to bike and hike for years. The biking and hiking ended after the daughter was born. Why? Well, I experienced a major postpartum depression with my first ever panic attacks. I spent a year fighting it and trying to get better.

Just as I was feeling lots better she was diagnosed with a serious genetic disease called cystic fibrosis. We were devastated. More depression. A couple of years later...at age 38...I had a complete hysterectomy that didn't agree with me. HRT didn't work and I experienced more panic attacks and major depression.

After her diagnosis, the desire to bike or hike left me. The desire for just about everything left me. I quit laughing or crying. Eventually I quit going to church. I nearly quit leaving the house at all. On my darkest days, I even felt like I wanted to die. My life had turned into a fight...a fight to keep the daughter healthy and alive. My ONLY desire was to see her live. I quit caring about me. I quit dreaming my own dreams and setting my own goals.

I thank God that my ability to laugh and cry have begun to return. I'm thawing out. I'm beginning to see tiny green points pushing through frozen ground. My mind, body, soul and spirit are tingling...wanting to wake up and come back to life. I'm not sure what is causing me to want to live my life again, but I am. I miss biking and hiking. I miss my mountains. I want to get healthier and gain physical strength and stamina again. I do!! I can't believe I do, but I DO!!!!

I haven't felt healthy for a long time. I know a lot of that blah feeling is depression and a lot the hysterectomy. I hated PMS, but I loved my hormones. They gave me energy and made me feel alive. When I can afford it, I might look into HRT again...but all natural compounded stuff, not synthetic.

I also want to start biking again! (I like athletic endeavors where you sit. I think that's why I loved rowing so much). Anyhow, I'm a big old girl these days, so the thought of a tiny little saddle seat makes me wince. With that in mind, I searched the web for a comfy bike and found my dream bike!

It's a semi-recumbent bike and is called...get this...The Dream 21!!!! It reminds me of a bike I had as a kid...one with high handle bars and something called a banana seat. I LOVED that banana bike! The Dream 21 has a major difference though...a big comfy seat AND back support!!!

The price of the Dream 21 isn't so dreamy though...$700!! At that price my dream bike might just have to stay a dream! Plus, it has a weight limit. I called the company to ask about it, but I need to call them back. The girl I talked to wasn't sure if I'd actually damage the frame or if the weight limit was "an understatement"...her words. She was going to find out for me. Uggg.

The important thing is that I WANT to ride again...that I would even THINK about venturing out of the house to do something active. I'm dreaming again. I'm hoping again. Folks, this is major. I hope it lasts for more than 10 minutes. I'm just going to have to baby step it...like Bob...and see where all this takes me!

Asperger and The Velveteen Rabbit

I've been thinking about yesterday's post. After reading it again, I realized something. We eat out a lot and I sometimes see folks eating alone. I never think they are weird or suspect of ANYTHING. Why would I think that of myself? I'll admit that I've WONDERED why they were alone and felt sorry for them. I've wondered if they were lonely but that's it.

Sometimes I'm really hard on myself. I think I suffered so much social rejection and ridicule as a young person that I always expect it or something. I'm VERY aware of my social awkwardness and anxiety and just assume that it shows. In my mind, a neon sign follows me around like a little dark cloud flashing messages like "loser" or "weird" or "reject" over my head. In my mind, I see people parting like the Red Sea when I come into a room. Like...back away from the weird girl.

That is a bad way to feel and I've felt that way since I was ten years old. Having asperger makes you feel weird. It's like you think something is up with folks but you don't know what it is...until somebody outright calls you a name or you get picked last for a game of kickball. Then you KNOW something is up but you still don't know what it is you did to make them dislike you.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not a part of the human race...like I'm some mutation. I look at myself and see that yes, I have hair and eyes and stand upright and think at a high level and can form words. Yep. I'm a human alright. My picture matches up with the dictionary picture of a human....but I'm not one. How can I be? Just looking like a human and having speech capabilities doesn't make me human.

Humans need connection and relationship. Like the velveteen rabbit, we are not real unless we are loved. I have trouble with connection and relationships. I have never felt accepted and loved by the other humans. Would I even be able to recognize it if it came at me? I don't know. If I can't recognize it, then to me I've never been loved into....initiated into the human race. I am a technical human, not a real one.

I not only have trouble on the receiving end of emotions, I have trouble on the giving end. Oh, I have emotions...plenty of them and deep. I just can't get them out right. So many of my emotions are played out in my head like a movie. They are in there and being expressed inside, my body and face just don't follow. I'm kinda watching them. Then the movie is over. It's *THE END* and they can't get out after that. It's like I can't respond in real time. I have a delay.

Hard stuff to explain.

I don't like asperger but I have to live with it. It's new to me. I only found out about it in the last few months. It is generally a guy problem and there is no cure. I've lived with this for 48 years and survived. I'll be fine. Hey, I managed to eat dinner out alone for the first time in my life. I never would have done that before I found out about asperger.